A thorough review of current events and their effect on the economy.

On Sept. 11, the country's collective sense of peace fell to the ground, broke its crown and the economy came tumbling after. According to the U.S. Department of Labor, the labor market was weakening before the terrorist attacks, and though it's not possible to quantify the total effect of Sept. 11, the events clearly aggravated economic decline.

It is impossible not to acknowledge the unique set of grievances suffered by families with children under 18. With bills to pay, expenses to cover and children who will notice things are a little different than they used to be, what are the important steps to take in this uncomfortable time?

COPING WITH THE NEWS

Dr. Brenda Dew, adjunct professor at Vanderbilt University and private practice family and marriage therapist, has recently spent quite a bit of time counseling families through the transition period following job loss. "It's a real psychological defeat for a person who loses a job, especially if that person is the primary breadwinner," she says.

According to Dew, that defeat is easier to suffer if both of the parents in the family are working. When the working member loses a job, the stay-at-home member is likely to experience the most anxiety, coupled with feelings of guilt, as if to blame for the dire straits. Stress often manifests itself in secretiveness; Dew says that the most important step for couples coping with job loss is to sit down together and come up with a budget.

"I find that if couples do this immediately, and are very honest and realistic then they bond together, know their parameters and are more able to deal with the stress and feel more at ease."

Telling the Children

Dew also applies this to the children in the family. People will sometimes think it's better to conceal the job loss and financial constraints from the children, but Dew says that this only exacerbates the financial situation and puts extra and unnecessary pressure on the parents.

"Kids are pretty resilient. I've seen kids just rally -- teenagers will go out and get jobs, children will do more around the house than they've ever done before. I think that we often don't give kids enough credit," she says. Dew believes that the fundamental mistake parents make when talking to their children about financial troubles is to let their stress get the better of them. "It's never appropriate to yell at children in a way that blames them for contributing to money problems. Never say, 'If you didn't need this and this, then ...' That won't help anyone."

Dew's most adamantly repeated advice is perhaps the hardest to swallow.
"I try to make people understand that sometimes something better comes along. This is the time to reprioritize, to examine what you really want in the future and to go after it. For every limitation there is an asset, and what's the asset here? The opportunity. What an opportunity."

Dr. Paul Coleman - psychologist, family therapist and married father of three -- offers six approaches to talking to children in his book How to Say It to Your Kids: The Right Words to Solve Problems, Soothe Feelings and Teach Values (Prentice Hall Press). Using the mnemonic TENDER - Teach, Empathize, Negotiate, Do's and Don'ts, Encourage and Report - Coleman suggests basic strategies for communicating productively with kids on a variety of issues, including tight financial situations and explaining the loss of a job. For example:

REPORT the essential facts. "I was laid off at work. They no longer can afford to pay me, so until I find another job, we have to come up with ways to save money."

TEACH being frugal. "It would help a lot when we buy things if we ask ourselves these questions: Can we get by without it for now? Can we find it at a cheaper price?"

ENCOURAGE helpful attitudes and behavior. "I overheard you tell your brother that we should not go to the movies but wait until the movie comes out in video. That was a great idea on saving money. It must make you feel good knowing you can be patient."

EMPATHIZE when children desire things they can't have because of finances. "I know it was hard when most of the other kids bought their food during the class trip while you had to pack a lunch." And reassure an overly concerned child. "I notice you yell at your brother when he wants to buy things we can't afford. You seem extra worried. Dad and I know what we can and cannot afford. Eventually we'll have more money, so you don't have to feel responsible for your brother."

Coleman agrees that kids should be aware of financial hardships resulting from job loss. "Taking on a bit of the parents' burden is not so bad. It teaches pulling together, self-sacrifice, etc. But yes, we don't want kids to abandon their childhood because they are worrying how Dad and Mom are coping." Coleman offers that kids are often naturally into their own thing, and will be fairly oblivious to the day-to-day struggles their parents are going through.

He says to mostly keep an eye on kids who might get too serious and deprive themselves in order to relieve their parents - skipping lunch to save money or not telling parents about a school trip to keep the pressure off. Coleman also points out that children will understand the financial burden in different ways at different ages. "With an 8-year-old, you should be matter of fact, optimistic. Let them know how the job loss affects them directly (no McDonald's for a while, etc.)."

He says that with ages 9 and older to expect more "why" questions. "Expect them to be more concerned about how the job loss will affect the family economically," says Coleman. "Don't be surprised if they seem annoyed that they can't buy the latest video game. With ages 13 and older, this is the time to teach optimism and show the kids that when life punches you, you can pick yourself up and keep moving."

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