It's not easy being new to a school and community. Help your child cope during the transition.

 

The preceding years had been tough ones for Linda. After a year-long battle with cancer, her husband died. When she finally felt ready to begin dating, a chance reunion with Sam, her high school sweet-heart, unexpectedly led to a rekindled romance and engagement. Since Linda was reluctant to put her 14-year-old son, Evan through another major change, Sam began job hunting in their community. But when a comparable job wasn't available, the couple decided that Linda and Evan would be the ones to relocate.

While Evan was happy for his mom, the move was hard on him. After growing up in a small, tight-knit community where his two closest friends lived next door and his school's entire eighth grade class numbered only 100 students, Evan was suddenly the "new kid" in a huge high school and a strange city.

Evan's experience is hardly uncommon. Each year, one in five American families move, including more than 10 million children. School officials and psychologists agree that being uprooted is hardest on teenagers. At a time in their lives when they're differentiating from parents and investing heavily in peers, the announcement of a move can feel like a death knell for their whole world. Angry and sad about having their lives turned upside down, they're also understandably anxious about what lies ahead.

Topping the list of anxieties is how they'll fare in the new school socially and academically. Newcomer older kids worry: Who will I sit with at lunch? Will anybody talk to me? Will I ever have friends again? Will I make the team? And what if they've covered stuff I've never had, and I'm hopelessly lost in classes?

Caring parents who are dealing with their own stresses want to help. But sometimes it's hard to know just what to do to comfort a hurting teen. Gone are those wonder days when we could instantly produce a social life for our kids by arranging play dates with the children of friends. As Carolyn Janik explains in her book Positive Moves: The Complete Guide to Moving Your Family (Grove Press; $8.95), "Most teens would rather die (or live as hermits in their rooms) than have their parents obviously participate in trying to help them make friends." But, if it's hopeless to play friendship matchmaker, there remain strategic ways parents can provide vital support:

Listen and Share Feelings and Concerns

Adolescence is an intensely private time, and teenagers don't always feel like talking to their parents. But when they do, it's an enormous relief to know their parents are ready to listen with empathy and understanding. "When I was having a bad day," says Evan, "it really helped that I knew I could talk to my mom."

In the weeks before and after a move, everyone's emotions are apt to be on overload. Even when a move is an exciting and desired one, irritability and bouts with the blues are common. When family members share their worries and disappointments, they become more manageable. At any age, it's a lot easier to face the tough stuff when you can count on your loved ones to be in your corner. And, when a parent responds to a teen's sadness by saying something like, "Gosh, I'm feeling blue today, too. What can we do to make ourselves feel better?" she sends the reassuring message that "I'm on your team, and we will get through this together."

Maintain Rituals and Spend Tiime Together

Maintaining family rituals is another vital way to provide emotional support. Our Sunday evening ritual of lighting a candle and sharing our "thankfuls, worrieds, and hopefuls" helped sustain our teenager and entire family through two tough moves.

While it's not always possible, it helps for at least one parent to be more available in the weeks after a move. "There were days when Evan would come home from school, and we'd just get in the car and go somewhere together," says Linda. "Even when he didn't feel like talking, I think it was just reassuring to know I was there."

Encourage Your Child to Maintain Contact With Old Friends

Close friends can continue to be a major life line of support as well. Encourage your teenager to find ways to stay in touch, whether by e-mail, letter, phone or even cassette tape. If distance is not prohibitive, help plan visits. "What helped me the most was going back and spending time with my two best friends," says Evan. "My mom would take me there for the weekend at least once a month."

 

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