While it's important for parents to maintain a united front when disciplining their children, it can also be beneficial for kids to know that differences of opinion will occur.

It's a classic case. You send your daughter to her room after she backtalks you. You fill your husband in so he can carry out the punishment while you run to the store. When you return home, you find the two of them hanging out watching television. When this happens, it's anyone's guess how the parental showdown will play out.

We've often heard the phrase, "presenting a united front" when referring to disciplining children, but is it really necessary for parents to agree all the time? Can a mom and dad with two completely different parenting styles come together with regard to discipline? And how important is presenting a united front for kids?

Difference of Opinion

Experts agree that although it would be ideal, being united on every discipline issue is nearly impossible. Ray Levy, Ph.D., author of Try and Make Me! (Rodale Press), says, "Sometimes you'll find parents who are pretty close, and that's nice, but it's really rare." However, he adds, there usually isn't a tremendous disparity. "One parent might want the kids in bed by eight, while the other might prolong the bedtime routine so they don't get to bed until 8:30." He says this type of difference is common and nothing to worry about.

"When there are wide discrepancies, that's usually a sign of another problem," Levy says. For example, if one parent says it's time for bed, and the other parent ignores it and starts an activity with the child, there may be something more going on. In these cases, Levy suggests getting the help of a third party, such as a trusted family member, close friend or professional counselor. "With any kind of huge disparity you need to get help," he says.

Levy states that for most kids, presenting a united front isn't as important as we may think it is. "It depends on the temperament of the child," he says. "My wife and I have an even- tempered child. We don't always agree on discipline, and that's OK because our daughter knows how to negotiate and she's fine with it."

However, some children — especially those with difficult temperaments — need the consistency that comes from parents with similar styles. In this case, Levy encourages parents to come together to tackle one issue at a time. "Pick one battle [to fight as a team] and win it," he says, "then move on to the next." Success reinforces the unified front and will help you move on to bigger battles.

Parenting Styles

Because parents grow up in different environments, they often have different ways of thinking about discipline and dealing with discipline issues. For example, one spouse may have been raised in a family of yellers, while the other was raised in a family that discussed misbehaviors and enforced logical consequences. Naturally, these parents are likely to have different discipline styles.

Susan Fletcher, a licensed psychologist and relationship expert, believes that seeing different parenting styles is good for children. "It benefits kids if parents have different styles, because if you think about it, they're going to have different personalities from teachers, peers and bosses, and they need to learn to adapt to different styles." However, she adds, you should still have some sort of a plan. "You have to agree on the basic routines, but you don't always have to agree on the way you implement them," she says.

Other experts disagree. Bill Corbett, director of Redirecting Children's Behavior of Nashville and certified parenting educator says that it's not beneficial to kids when parents' parenting styles differ. "The healthiest environment conducive to raising cooperative and drug-free children is one in which the parents agree on one style of parenting," he says. "The sooner parents agree on one style of parenting and on boundaries, the sooner their children will understand clear boundaries and limits."

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